THE NURSE WHO COULD TALK TO ANYONE 

I’ve always seen myself as someone who connects easily with others. Striking up conversations with strangers, finding common ground with people from all walks of life — it came naturally to me. I prided myself on being nonjudgmental and making others feel at ease, no matter their background or story.  

It’s one of the reasons I felt so drawn to nursing. That ability to build quick trust became one of my greatest strengths as a Registered Nurse. 

WHEN CONFIDENCE TURNS TO UNCERTAINTY 

But when I started working with patients with dementia, something shifted.  

For the first time in my career – maybe in my life – that ease didn’t come so naturally. The connection I had always relied on felt just out of reach. And that was a humbling experience. 

I expected my personality, my training, and my nursing background to be enough. Afterall, I had studied the symptoms. I understood the disease process. I had practiced communication strategies and memorized the medications and treatments used for common behaviors. I was prepared… or so I thought.  

But nothing quite prepared me for the real thing. 

I became rigid. Uncomfortable. Unsure of myself and my actions. I had been taught to speak to and treat my elders in a certain way, and suddenly, none of it seemed to apply. I was in a world of unknowns — and frankly, it baffled me. 

TRAINING ISN’T THE SAME AS EXPERIENCE 

The truth is, no amount of training can fully ready you for the emotional, unpredictable, often tender moments that come with caring for someone with dementia.  

And that’s okay. 

It’s okay if you feel uncomfortable at first. I did, too. 

I remember second-guessing my words, wondering if I was doing the right thing, feeling overwhelmed when a patient grew agitated or confused. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to connect. And sometimes —despite my best efforts — I felt like I was falling short. 

But what I’ve come to realize over time is this: Caring for someone with dementia is not about perfection. It’s about presence. 

THE MOMENT IT CLICKED 

I remember the exact moment it finally clicked — the moment I truly understood what it takes to work with someone living with dementia.  

I was caring for a patient in a dementia unit at a long-term care facility. She sat in her wheelchair, parked in the hallway, firmly refusing to return to her apartment. After trying every gentle nudge I could think of, I gave in and began changing her wound dressing right there in the hallway. 

As I worked, I heard footsteps approaching from around the corner. A Physical Therapist appeared, guiding another dementia patient beside him. He was trying to teach her how to use her walker safely, but she was growing more frustrated and agitated by the second. 

I paused, curious to see how he would respond. 

Then, something beautiful happened.  

He stopped. He turned to face her, looked into her eyes with calm assurance, and gently took the walker from her hands, setting it aside. 

Then, with a warm smile, he extended his hand and asked: 

“May I have this dance?” 

She giggled — an honest, childlike laugh — and placed her hand in his. And just like that, they began ballroom dancing down the hallway. Not walking. Not redirecting. Dancing. 

They floated down the corridor as staff, visitors, residents, and even physicians watched with wide smiles. Laughter filled the space as they moved together—completely immersed in the moment. 

And that’s when it hit me. 

WHAT I KNOW NOW 

There is no one-size-fits-all approach. What worked for one person on Monday may not work for another on Tuesday. And that’s okay.  

It’s okay to learn as you go. It’s okay to take a breath, to pause, to regroup. It’s okay to make mistakes — and it’s more than okay to forgive yourself for them. 

Because what matters most is that you show up. And that you keep showing up. That you offer kindness, patience, and grace — not just to the person you’re caring for, but to yourself as well. 

CONNECTION BEYOND WORDS 

Working with dementia patients has taught me that connection doesn’t always come from words. Sometimes it’s found in quiet companionship, a gentle touch, or a shared moment of laughter. Sometimes, simply being there — calm, steady, and compassionate — is enough. 

So if you’re new to this, if you’re struggling, if you’re wondering whether you’re doing it “right,” I want you to hear this clearly:  

You are not alone. 

It’s okay to ease into it. It’s okay if it doesn’t come naturally. And it’s absolutely okay to grow into the role over time. 

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD 

Dementia care is a journey — one of empathy, adaptation, and continuous learning. And if your heart is in the right place, you’re already doing better than you think. 

-Brooke Glenn RN 

Let’s talk about one of the most common, the most difficult, — and the least talked about — challenges in dementia care: bathroom issues.

If you’re helping a loved one who’s forgetting how to use the toilet, having accidents, or resisting help with personal care, you’re not alone. These moments can feel overwhelming — but with the right tools and mindset, they can be managed with compassion, dignity, and even a little humor.

At Dementia Life STL, we’re here for the everyday, behind-the-scenes work that no one sees — but that matters more than words can say.

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When the Role Reverses: Caring for a Parent in the Bathroom

Helping a parent with personal care is deeply emotional. You may feel:

• Awkward
• Embarrassed
• Overwhelmed
• Heartbroken
• Guilty
  

You’re stepping into a role reversal most people are never prepared for. You’re doing something intimate and vulnerable — for someone who once did everything for you. That takes incredible strength.

These emotions are normal.

How to Handle the Discomfort

• Name the feeling – “This is hard” is a valid truth.
• Pause and breathe – Center yourself before entering the space.
• Remind yourself of their “why” – The person can’t help the restroom challenges they are facing
• Remind yourself of your ‘why’ – Love. Loyalty. Compassion.
• Use humor when appropriate – It can diffuse tension and create connection.
• Seek help and community – Find others who are also on a journey of caring for someone with dementia and lean on each other.

You are allowed to feel uncomfortable and do the hard thing anyway. That’s courage. That’s caregiving.

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Why Bathroom Challenges Happen

Restroom needs often become more complex as dementia progresses:

• Memory loss – Forgetting where the bathroom is or when to go
• Mobility issues – Trouble getting there in time
• Communication – Inability to express the need
• Visual/spatial changes – Bathroom doesn’t “look right” to them
• Incontinence – Can increase over time
  

Sometimes, people simply get distracted or can’t process the signals their body is sending them.

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8 Caregiver-Approved Tips That Work

While restroom challenges may never go away, there are some things you as a caregiver can do to make it easier.

1. Create a Routine

We can’t stress enough how important a daily routine is in dementia care! Someone with dementia is typically unable to guide themselves through a path that includes the daily essentials for wellness – nutrition, hydration, movement, and restroom needs. It’s SO important to encourage bathroom visits every 2–3 hours, even if they don’t ask. Try:

• First thing in the morning
• Before and after meals
• Before bed
• Before leaving the house

When eating, hydration and movement happen close to the same times every day, restroom needs become more predictable too – which will make it easier on everyone involved!

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2. Make the Bathroom Easy to Find

• Leave doors open and lights on
• Use clear signage with images
• Consider motion-sensor lights at night

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3. Improve Visibility & Comfort

• Use a brightly colored toilet seat to increase visibility
• Add non-slip rugs, grab bars, and a raised seat
• Remove clutter to prevent confusion and distraction

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4. Simplify Clothing

• Elastic waistbands
• Velcro closures
• Avoid belts, zippers, and buttons

Quick, easy removal makes success more likely.

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5. Use Incontinence Products with Confidence

Adult briefs, pads, or pull-ons can make life much easier. Choose what fits their level of mobility and dignity.

When to Change Briefs:

• After a bowel movement or major leak
• Every 2–4 hours during the day
• At bedtime and first thing in the morning
• Anytime they feel wet or uncomfortable

How to Change Briefs:

1. Gather supplies – Gloves, wipes, barrier cream, clean brief, disposal bag
2. Offer privacy – Close doors, speak reassuringly
3. Clean thoroughly – Wipe front to back, gently
4. Check skin – watch for redness, rash, open sores, blisters, skin breakdown in folds or pressure points
5. Apply barrier cream – Helps protect skin
6. Dispose discreetly – Use a scented or sealed bag
7. Wash your hands and breathe – You just did something loving

6. Approach and Respond with Calm and Kindness

Accidents are inevitable, and in these deeply vulnerable moments, it’s so important to prioritize dignity. 

Say:

“Let’s get you cleaned up. You’re okay.”
“It’s no big deal—we’ll take care of it.

Avoid:

• Shaming
• Rushing
• Scolding
• Showing frustration or disgust

Be mindful of their history. Some individuals living with dementia may have experienced trauma earlier in life — such as abuse, neglect, or assault — that they cannot express or recall clearly. Being touched or exposed during personal care can unknowingly trigger fear or resistance.

That’s why gentleness matters:

• Announce each step before you do it
• Ask permission, even if they can’t respond with words
• Make eye contact and offer reassurance
• Use slow, calm movements to maintain trust

Your respectful, patient approach helps restore a sense of safety and dignity — especially for someone who may no longer be able to ask for it.

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7. Plan Ahead When Out

• Pack a “go bag” with extras – briefs, wipes, and dry clothing
• Know restroom locations
• Use companion cards to discreetly explain behaviors if needed

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8. Talk to the Doctor

Significant bathroom changes can signal:

• UTI
• Constipation
• Medication side effects
• Dehydration
• Other medical conditions

Keep a care log of changes and concerns, and bring them to the care team.

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It’s Not About Control—It’s About Compassion

These challenges aren’t a sign of failure on the part of the person with dementia OR on the part of the caregiver. They’re part of the dementia journey—and you’re doing something extraordinary by showing up with care and consistency.

Every trip to the bathroom, every changed brief, every awkward moment—you are preserving their dignity and meeting a need with love.

That’s what caregiving looks like.

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Final Encouragement

This is sacred, quiet work. It’s not always talked about, but it’s deeply human.

If you’ve ever wiped tears while wiping someone clean — you’re not alone.
If you’ve ever felt like you couldn’t do it, then did it anyway — you’re not alone.
If you love someone through the hardest parts — you’re a hero in plain clothes.

At Dementia Life STL, we’re with you. And we’re so proud of you.

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👋 Share Your Tips!

Have your own bathroom-care hacks or wisdom to share? Send them to contact@dementialife.care — you never know who you’ll help.